Bye livejournal... leaving for rehab :]

I'll be back.

I'm determined, no more purging, no more drugs, no more drinking all by myself, or at all.
I'm only 15, I have a whole life ahead of me, and I want to live it.
I kow this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life... I think.

Wish me luck :] and hopefully people in the world can find the courage to do this,
because I'm scared to death. But I want to live.

For the record, this was not my choice to go, but I'm aware I need it, I've been in the hospital for the past week
with my lowest weight, overdose on heroin, and liver damage.
I've really messed up, and I'm ready to fix it.

I geuss I am posting a lot now.

I just walked to the store and bought three boxes of laxatives.
Not the kind I like, but they are getting expensive so I wok with what I got.

I binged today so I needed them, I just don't have it in my to purge right now.
I'm so tired.

Even though I binged my lovely OCD will not let me break my usual eating pattern,
so I am eating the vegan pea soup I just made. And today I added a new ingredient!
My Dad got a new hot sauce rack, so I added 14... yeah 14, of the 20 spices.
I only added the ones with a's in them.
Good thing I like it because once I added to the recipe, I can't take it out, I dunno why.

But anyway, when I was walking to jewel I saw a bigger girl. Whenever I see a really large person
or someone with a body type I don't like and I think about them for even a second I get this weird feeling
in my stomach, the kind you get when your really homesick. Sometimes when I see someone like
that I change what I see myself as in my mind and automatically look like them.


I wish I wasn't such a freak.

I'm so tired... but I don't want to sleep.
I am so afriad of not waking up, I am not even at my lowest wieght, I'm just scared I won't wake up.
I want to wake up, I do.

Today was eh.
I'm semi trying to eat better, first effort I've made since I was in the hospital.
I had half a piece of whole grain bread with 1 tsp of peanut butter, took laxatives but they didn't work...

Then lunch I had a half a sandwhich, whole grain bread with turkey and mustard, tried to purge it, but just cried in the bathroom stall of my school for an hour.

After school I had some chicken, then chewed and spit everything I could get my grubby little hands on.

ran on the treadmill, but I thought I was going to pass out so stopped at 150 calories.

Had chicken with sauce, and a bit of a baked patato, but I purged it.
And a bunch of mints today.

And a shitload of water, lots and lots and lots of water.
I wish I weren't so fat, then I could be normal and eat when I'm hungry.

and I hate nosey teachers, they make me so angry, fuck them.

Anyway, treadmill now. Then shower, then bed.
Then tomorrow, running in the morning, school, running home.

Goodnight.

SEVEN HOURS I SPENT.

My thoughts yesturday... I can be healthy.
Seriously, I can do this! I could go healthy and NEVER look back!
I could just be fit, I could have friends and be so normal...
So I eat dinner... no I binge on dinner.
White Bread
Pizza, a good half of a pizza.
skittles
sweets
oreos
potato chips
marshmallows
whole milk

... all the shit in the world.
I freak out, take 42 laxatives.
Spents SEVEN HOURS Getting rid of everything.
No sleep, none.

Weighed myself, thank you LORD, I lost one pound.
Probably sweat it out when I was so scared I wrapped myself in 10 garbage bags,
two blankets and a sweatshirt, then turned the shower on high and did 300 jumping jacks.
Or I cried them out.

I wish I could die, though... my two year old brother just walked in.
He makes everything better, I love him to death.


I don't need people to read this... I just wanted it down somewhere.

Dress Size: I'll find out soon...
Highest Weight: 136 (BLAH)
Lowest Weight: 102
Goal Weight: 100

Favorite Diet Food: Carrots, mustard :]
Favorite Binge Food: peanut butter.
Favorite Exercise: Jumping Jacks!
Thinspo: Anything.

Where Do You Slip Up? Night.
When Did It Start? When I was 11, I'm 14.
Does Anyone Know? Everyone, like... everyone.
Do You Want Help? No.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? Limit is 500, usually about that, but with Laxatives every day.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Pigs.
Are You In A Relationship? No.
Are You The Fat One Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? Fat, all my friends are from recovery clinics and mental hospital.
Are You Depressed? I'm trying... stay up...
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? Yes.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? YES.

I AM - 
[x] anorexic 
[ ] ednos (normal bmi, but ana tendencies)
[x] bulimic 
[ ] living off diet pills 
[x] hungry 
[x] thirsty 
[ ] drinking something 
[ ] Under 100lbs 
[x] starving yourself 
[ ] participating in a fast 


PEOPLE - 
[x ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 
[ ] call me fat 
[x] say I’m skinny 
[ ] say I’m ugly 
[x] say I’m pretty 
[x ] spread rumors about me 
[x] force me to eat 
[ ] say I eat too much 
[x] wish I’d eat more 
[] don't know I'm anorexic...or ED-NOS whatever


I WISH - 
[x] I was THIN 
[x] I had a better body 
[x] I didn't have to eat 
[x] I could control myself 
[x] I was under 100lbs 
[x] I could avoid food 
[ x] I could hide what I am 
[x] I wasn’t fat 
[x] I was pretty 
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia 

I LOVE - 
[] feeling hungry 
[x ] seeing a difference when fasting 
[x ] shaking 
[x ] being weak 
[x] losing weight 
[ x] being anorexic/bulimic 
[ x] green tea 
[ ] diet pills 
[ ] being able to turn down food 
[x] feeling good about myself